personal, poetry

a love poem (not really)

I don’t want a love poem, I don’t want a sonnet about the moss in my eyes

or the edginess in my smile

or the way my shoulders hunch from disinterest.

Give me a poem about how the roots of my hair are now stained with the roots of the Celtic heritage that I dug my nails into the soil and unearthed

(my hair started growing in red after I learned about the whiskey and famine in my veins)

give me a poem about the spiderwebs of witchcraft I carry between my fingers, a cat’s cradle of Romanian heritage

a poem about heartbreak and grief will appeal to me more because “love” is just an endless cycle of leaving and tears will forever stain the back of my throat

a poem about waking up and not remembering the body you used to inhabit would be as familiar as the knowledge that I sleep next to the ghost of myself

I would write a thousand love poems for my brothers, my grandparents, my father.

I have clung to how it feels to love them by painting my skin with words that I cannot tear off

Writing  a self-love poem colors the world with shades of red; I have never abandoned myself, except for all the times that I have

“Loving myself” is a hundred needles, building an armor for me against the world, carving a soul into my bones

“Loving myself” is going over, over, over the speed signs until the ache is replaced with adrenaline and I can pretend to know myself, again (oh, god who am i)

“Loving myself” are books perched on the edge of a bathtub, a tarot card tucked in my back pocket, bruises on pale skin from picking a fight

“Loving myself” is a snarling ‘fuck you’ and an ‘I don’t need anyone’

“Loving myself” is chewing a hole inside my cheek so I don’t snap my jaws at the next person who is getting closer and closer and closer

“Loving myself” is solitude; its the rasp of smoke and laughter contending with  a song for ‘most misunderstood’ in the yearbook of someone who only loves herself for the lyrics she knows

“Loving myself” is not an option because I’ve given it all away to people who will never know what it feels like to love me back

 

 

 

 

 

 

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