personal, poetry

Three Years Later 


Tomorrow will be 3 years since I lost you. Holy. Fucking. Shit. I don’t remember everything about you, and G O D how I wish I could remember everything, but I do remember how you wore your emotions like a second skin. I never had to guess what you were feeling, but maybe we were so close that we felt the same things. In the last three years, I have heard more “she was just your grandma”s or “some people have lost parents, don’t be so selfish”s than I can count. “Just” does not begin to describe what you were to me and I miss you like fucking hell. I miss you when I’m wedding planning, I miss you when I touch my shoulder, I miss you when I sit with Papa, I miss you when I hold Jay’s hand. I wear my anger so close to me now. I miss you every time I fall apart and pick my pieces back up again.  I know I’m supposed to forgive the universe or whoever-the-fuck took you, but I can’t and I won’t. I feel like I was one person, then you left, and I became someone else entirely. Honestly, I didn’t even know it was this late in February and maybe it explains why the last couple of weeks have felt like a sucker punch to the ribs. Grief has never left my side. He clings to me like a stray dog and instead of shooing him away, I let him guide me home. Somedays, I feel like you took up the space of the whole world – you were the sun and we were the planets orbiting around you. You ripped a hole in the galaxy when you left and I have not stopped bleeding stars since. You left in a puff of smoke and mint, collapsing the ecosystem in your wake. I don’t blame you (maybe a little, but those are moments when I am lacking much of myself) for taking my gravitational pull. Today was a solar eclipse in Pisces and I think that’s fitting for how I feel. You are, after all, the solar eclipse and I, the Pisces. I lack words for how badly I wish this astrological alignment would ease the pressure on my heart. You taught me about the stars and their placements in my soul. Do you remember rolling your eyes at Capricorns and scoffing at Geminis? Your death was an explosion and instead of absorbing the shock, I combusted, too.

 I miss your acceptance of me, I miss our friendship. I miss how you were the glue to all my pieces. I remember how you hated Johnny Cash and cussed about him in the car. You hated tattoos and rock music and yet you loved me. You are my sunshine, my only sunshine. 

God damn, me. 

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The Worst Book Hangover EVER // My beloved male characters

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I FINISHED THE RAVEN CYCLE SERIES AND IT LEFT  GIANT, GAPING MAW THE SIZE OF RONAN LYNCH IN MY CHEST. 

I’m upset because its over and I’m extra upset because I feel like there’s literally no fandom for this. There’s not nearly enough fanfiction or Tumblr posts to tide me over until I die and have “I am being perfectly fucking civil” written on my tombstone. My cousin gets it, she read the series and I am very grateful that I have a single human  who I can text at 4 am with shit like “remember when Noah said he was ‘much more when he was alive’ because I remember and it hurts”

I loved all the characters so much. I really enjoy stories that focus on more than one character and have men as the focal point. I know that Blue is a huge part of the series but she fit so well into the weird fabric that is the Raven Boys, that I tend to lump them all together. I cannot begin to express how much I loved this series. I’m devastated that it’s over.

I heard, however, that Ronan is getting HIS OWN TRILOGY AND I AM VERY EXCITED. No one deserves that series like the middle Lynch child. Maggie talked about it in August, so we probably won’t see it for a while but it is reassuring that there will be a continuation for my small gay son. I have been buying A L L the Ronan Lynch merch. I kid you not, I made an appointment to get an RC tattoo the day after I finished the series and I’m FUCKING ECSTATIC to show everyone. My fiance is convinced that I am Ronan and he doesn’t know much about Adam… but if we’re comparing people to Raven Boys, lemme just say that Jason is the most Adam-y person there is.

Speaking of male humans that I love, I decided to turn this post into My Top Male Characters and Why They’re Sweet Babies Who Need Protection At All Costs. 

These are ranked from most favorite to “I will still fight someone for you, at some point” There are **SPOILERS** in this list. 

Here it is – the reasons that I can’t sleep, my precious angels.

  1.  RONAN LYNCH (The Raven Boys) – Whatever ninth circle of Hell that Ronan crawled out of, I came from the same one. Everything about him is admirable: his beautiful cussing poetry, his BMW, his love for his friends, the Murder Squash Song. Like Ronan, I too, enjoy driving things in illegal ways, shitty EDM, being “the friend with tattoos” and the loner. Ronan would totally be in Slytherin. He gets +20 points for having a raven as a sidekick. Also, he’s a really great example of a man who likes men but is allowed to keep his masculinity. I love him and I love his secret tenderness and generosity.  Bad boys with feelings, forever.
  2. JOSEPH KAVINSKY (The Raven Boys) – Hear me out, okay. I know that he’s kind of a piece of shit but he is the prime example of self-destruction and if I know something about anything, it is self-destructive habits. Poor K, who just loved Ronan and wanted Ronan to love him. I love how he uses humor to cover up his emotions because that’s my primary coping mechanism, too. He’s an asshole and I love him and it broke my heart that he died the way he did. #josephkaviskymatters2017 SAT that, Dick. 
  3. DRACO LUCIUS MALFOY – This is fairly self-explanatory. He’s the Slytherin-with-too-many-feelings poster child and my life would be a horrible, dark place without his overly-assertive existence. Come here, my precious douche-bag child. I love all the douche bags and I’m proud. 
  4. SETH MORGAN (Wicked Lovely) – Draco and Seth were my first book-boyfriends. He’s the kind of guy that girls dream of; the selfless best friend. I loved Seth from the start and I knew that he was going to end up being like “Here’s my life, babe. Just take it” Seth was so wise and humble, too. He needs All of the Love Forever. If he would’ve died, I would have gone with him.
  5. DORIAN HAVILLARD (Throne of Glass) – Protect him, please. I’m not gonna say much about him but if any of you who are reading this have any connection to Queen Maas… Please, just… spare my book-loving, magic-wielding nerd son. You can kill Chaol – just don’t touch my king cinnamon roll.
  6. TYRANNUS BASILTON GRIMM PITCH (Carry On) – Ah, yes. Another dark-souled, self-deprecating, asshole who turns out to be in love with The Golden Boy and hopelessly gay. Can you see the pattern, yet? 
  7. DEATH (The Arcana Chronicles) – Complete asshole with too many feels – not gay, but very relevant. His whole back story just sucks and he just keeps drawing the short end of the proverbial scythe.
  8. NEWT SCAMANDER – Terribly awkward beast mom. 10/10 would cuddle.
  9. RICHARD GANSEY III (Raven Cycle) – Honestly, he puts up with so much shit. I might think he’s a little bitch, sometimes, but like… he has been the Group Dad since Day 1 and will probably never stop… Adam straight went to him?! and was like?! Hey, can I date your daughter, Ronan?! I promise I won’t kill him?! and Gansey was like ‘Don’t you harm a hair on his angry, attractive head and I won’t have to pay someone to bury your body. Just kidding, here’s a $100… I’m happy for you, but really, he’s very sensitive”

 

Here are some photos of my new stickers! I have more coming! I love stickers!

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Shout out to Jason, who puts up with my book merch addiction and lets me use him as a photo prop. 10/10 would marry.

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Have a great week, everyone! Go read a book series that destroys the core of your being so that we can suffer together 🙂

 

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books

What I’m Reading + Bookish Tattoos

Hello, friends!

I bet you all thought since I got my laptop back I would be blogging a lot! W R O N G! But really, its not for any exciting reason, I just had a rough couple of weeks.

I did, however, get my Fuck Love tattoo.

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Here’s the caption that went with it:

“Let people feel the weight of who you are and let them deal with it” I will not be afraid of letting the reality of my existence take up space in the world. i will not apologize for my curves or the dichotomy of the sharp angles and softness of my hips. i will not dumb myself down to make you more comfortable. being ashamed of intelligence is a horrendous thing. i will not apologize for my purple hair, my tattoos, my done or undone face. i will never sacrifice my empathy, my ambition, or my ruthlessness. i won’t tell you i’m sorry for needing time away from other humans to feel whole again or for the books in my purse. i won’t be beat down for my truth – the splotchy mind of pock marked depression and OCD and panic disorder. i will not be ashamed of the bridge between lobes that confuses colors with numbers, my constant entanglement of senses. i won’tgive excuses for my love of kurt cobain and johnny cash. let me love what i need to, let me say what needs to be said. i am a ragged breath under a star filled sky.

Sorry for the blood!

I really felt at home in the tattoo shop I went to for this one; I liked my first artists because they were my friends prior to me being a client but I deeply loved something about Nichole. She reminded me of a winter fairy working in a tattoo shop, like stepping into the series that convinced me that tattoos were to be cherished and collected at all costs. I am stoked to finish the rest of my book sleeve.

I’m gonna have to include something from the Throne of Glass series since I finished Queen of Shadows last week and I felt something latch onto my soul. I love that fucking series. I cannot get over how much I love that series. Like holy shit, it is blowing my mind. I just love Aelin and Rowan and Manon and my sweet cinnamon roll Dorian. If my little #friendshipgoals group doesn’t survive this series I will personally end someone’s life as a payment for theirs. I still strongly dislike Chaol, strongly. Dislike. With. a. Passion.  Everyone talks about the Inner Circle of ACOTAR being the six best friends that anyone could ever have but have you met my sweET TERRASEN RULING COURT?! HAVE YOU MET THEM AND BASKED IN THE GLORY OF THEIR FRIENDSHIP?! I DID AND I FUCKING CRIED.

I even got a cute little Manon/ Dorian candle set! (I don’t have a problem)

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They smell like happiness and they make me smile, isn’t that enough for you?

I also got a new BuJo (or bullet journal as the academics might call it) that was inspired by Manon. Oh, and I have more stickers and a new wallet on the way, that are also ToG related. Can you tell who my favorite character is? I’ll give you two guesses. You’re probably also wondering what tea that is – it’s the Malfoy Tea Emporium’s flavor, Haunted Library. How can you scroll past a shop called Malfoy’s Tea Emporium with teas like Haunted Library, Queen of the Underworld, and Rhysand? Draco Malfoy deserved better. 

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Speaking of friendship goals, I’m almost 3/4 of the way through the Raven Cycle series and I just?! how?! does she write?! characters like?! THAT!!!! I am in love with all the sweet Raven Boys and Blue A N D the Grey Man AND everyone at 300 Fox Way and Kavinski for some weird, probably really deeply ingrained psychological issue. Its so intricate and amazing and has moved its way up into my Top 5 series, just like Throne of Glass. I’m gonna have to add the Raven Cycle to my book sleeve. I really love books that focus on more than one character, like the other characters are allowed to have pasts and fears and hobbies. I’m so madly, truly in love with the Steifvater and Maas write stories, they’re polar opposites and yet so many things are similar and both are so worthy of attention. Raven Cycle doesn’t seem to have as big of a fandom as ToG which bums me out because, again, I really liked Kavinski and I feel like I need to receive feedback as to whether that’s normal or not.

I finished Shade Me, the book about the girl with synesthesia trying to solve a mystery. It was… okay. She was a pretty lame character with lame love interests and lame enemies. The mystery was good and I liked how twisted it was but I was still left going “What the fuck? That doesn’t make any sense” at the end. I did appreciate the representation of synethesia, though. Its uncommon in books and its such a wicked way of having your brain wired. I have it mildly, and by mildly (insert Lemony Snicket voice), a word which here means, not as severe as this book character, I am referring to the fact that it still makes me want to rip my hair out from unwanted stimulus. I started Grave Mercy and it seems I have a thing for assassins or minions of death, in general.

I’ve been on a weird poetry kick lately and I found this gem at my town’s Barnes and Noble. 100_0144.JPGBy “this gem” I mean the Johnny Cash poetry collection. I cannot even begin to articulate how much I love Johnny Cash. He was my childhood friend and I will probably request “Highwayman” to play at my funeral. I will be getting a Johnny tattoo at some point.

Have a great weekend; I will hopefully have the time to write again, soon

Carry on,

The Book Witch

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personal

Thankful for Youtube Tutorials + Good Highlighter

I’m taking a break from Facebook for a few days; I am one of the millions of human beings who struggles with deep rooted mental illness and sometimes it makes me feel better to just exercise control over very insignificant things – it reminds me that there are so many aspects of my life that will never go the way I want them to, but I can always tackle the world one niche at a time.

Speaking of things to tackle, I have been watching lots of tutorials on YouTube about taking photos! I learned, and don’t judge me (I know that this is super basic rule #1 and I should’ve known already) that lighting is very,  very important. I know, I told you in advance. So, I played around with it today and….

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ITS SO MUCH BETTER THAN THE KIND OF PICTURES I WAS CONVINCED THAT I WOULD BE TAKING FOREVER.

I got another book about DSLR tricks so that’s on my list of tasks to conquer this weekend. I’ve mostly been teaching myself by playing with buttons and watching YouTube tutorials. I love YouTube, it’s surprisingly educational and I’m fairly certain there’s a video for everything. If you’re angry because there’s not a video for something and you think there should be, make one. I watched some videos about flat-lays, which is the primary kind of pictures that I’ve been posting here and to my Bookstagram (@_bookwitchblog, I know you were wondering). Inspired, I grabbed my paperback copy of Raven Boys and some props (I say props because I don’t know how to explain the coyote bones that I collect or the massive amounts of crystals that I own).

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I think it turned out cute, look what Chandler did! I’m gonna go to Michaels when I can and get some new paper for the background – marbles, water, and whatnot. I also need to collect things to supplement my books. Books are friends and thus, need friends.

Also, are you guys makeup collectors like me? Incidentally, my love of makeup started through books. The first reason is that I had a couple thrift store books growing up that were all about the history of makeup and makeup artists. I adored those books. Secondly, I love book-character inspired makeup. I used to play around with Katniss themed smokey eyes when I was younger. I really think that makeup is either really loved or really hated; I think the creativity that people employ when applying their makeup is amazing. I have seen some of the most mind-blowing expressions of talent on Instagram, Tumblr and Facebook. Let me know if you’ve ever done a book-themed makeup, hair, or fashion look – I would love to see it.

Anyway, thanks for looking! I have a feeling that I will love experimenting with this project.

Carry on,

The Book Witch

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Uncategorized

Some Thoughts on Soulmates

“People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that’s what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life.

A true soul mate is probably the most important person you’ll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave.

A soul mates purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master…” – Elizabeth Gilbert

As you can tell, I read a lot. I’ve thumbed through the pages of books that have characters in them who claim to be “soulmates” and, to be honest, I hate that fucking word. I do! I think its a horrible, limited way of describing your love for someone. I think people say soulmates because they lack a better term for it. Maybe they’re trying to say “My soul was at peace when I met them” or “Our eyes locked and I saw myself in the depths” or “I have never loved anything this monumentally”

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I am so fortunate to have more than one soulmate, and though it sounds hypocritical, I say “soulmate” because I lack the vocabulary to explain how I feel. I never met a romantic soulmate of mine and I doubt I ever will. I had a couple soulmates who happen to be men and we fucked everything up by trying to be more. I miss them, every day. I miss how easy it was to talk to them before we “dated” and now that we’ve been inevitably together and gone separate ways, I know that I can never have them back in the way that I did. I don’t know if that’s selfish but I think it might be. I just wish I still had their friendship without all the strange moments of “What are we?”

I have other soulmates. I have a best friend who appreciates that I was probably supposed to be a mix of Hermione and Luna but someone decided I’d have more fun as a hybrid of Bellatrix Lestrange and Remus Lupin. It’s been great, thanks.  I work with a girl who makes my heart feel calm whenever I see her. I work with girls who challenge me and understand me and push me. They are all my soulmates. The ones who push me radiate violet, and if I believed in the strings of fate, I think heavy, purple cords would connect us. I’ve had soulmates who broke my heart and left me bleeding all kinds of colors. They remind me of small cherry threads that I will have to cut someday to fully heal. I can feel the cracks in my chest that they left as if they were palpable. I have soulmates that I don’t speak to, out of respect for myself. I have soulmates that I have nightmares of running into and wake up with ghosts of tears on my face.

I have never done things halfway – especially love. As someone who is drained by social interaction and needs to pick her accomplices very carefully, I am either 100% invested in you, or not at all. Don’t come into my life with the intention of giving minimal effort; I carry scissors with me at all times and I will cut the ties that bind us before you knew they were there.

I can recognize my soulmates by one thing: I don’t have to dumb myself down for them. That is the only way that I’ve learned to survive in a world that rejects intelligent women: deny, deny, deny that you are one. I don’t mean to sound egotistical, but I am a woman of high intelligence and survival instincts like you wouldn’t believe. I know that to keep myself out of trouble, I stay cute and sweet and then destroy if I am crossed. My soulmates have never made me doubt my worth, have never made me question my intelligence. They’ve made me question my views, my priorities, and my footing – but never the things that come intrinsically to who I am.

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I’ve read so many books where the narrator has said that the person felt like nothing else mattered after meeting this one person, that their lives improved tenfold. I am here to tell you that soulmates are not some shiny package containing the answers to our questions. They are the shakers, the movers, the destroyers of our lives. You will meet them on coffee dates and some of them will only be available for late-night adventures. You’ll find that at least one will hate your taste in music or will be disgusted with how you prepare your tea. They will insert themselves into the marrow of your bones and you will wonder how you were missing such a vital piece all along. I have a soulmate who is three years old and has taught me more about understanding and empathy than anyone else I have known. I had a soulmate die and take half of me with her. They are not here to make things perfect, they are here to show you that life is so much better when it’s messy.

Carry on,

The Book Witch

 

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books

Review of Raven Boys & Seven Black Diamonds

GUUYYYYSSS!!! Guess who’s back? It’s my laptop, Donia! laptopI picked her up from the Geek Squad today. She’s all better (hopefully) and performing much better than when she left. Yes, my laptop is also named after a fictional character. Judge me – I dare you. I can now start my epic journey of editing the terrible photos that I’ve taken with Manon (the name of my camera; hold tight, kids, its going to be a weird ride).

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So, in other news. I finished The Raven Boys and I can sum it up in two words: holy shit. In my last post, I mentioned that the reason I loved Maggie Stiefvater is because she expends so much of her energy trying to make her readers fall in love with the characters… and boy, do you ever. At first I kept thinking “there is nothing special about these characters and I’m developing a severe dislike for them” and then halfway through the book, when the first thing happened and one of those precious cinnamon rolls was in harm’s way, I almost died. At that point, I realized that I had not gained one book boyfriend, but four. Also, I deeply sympathize and identify with Blue on a spiritual level. It ended, and I had already  bought the second book like four chapters ago. So, long story short, I’m absolutely ecstatic and somehow wallowing in dread as I face reading the next three books. I don’t know if my heart can handle it if anything happens to any of the characters. I might not recover.

I also finished Seven Black Diamonds and was surprised at how much I liked the ending. She has a second book coming out soon and I’m concerned because the first one ended on such a happy note… but then again, it was very alternate-universe Wicked Lovely, so maybe it will be all politics and none of my fae friends will be hurt. I liked the characters, but no where near as much as I liked my WL pals. I would shed blood over Wicked Lovely, no joke. I recommend it if you like fae books and crave Melissa’s work like I do. I’m not sure if I’ll get the second book – my TBR pile is out of control and I’m trying desperately to catch up. I don’t need the added temptation.

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I’ve been in a very thriller/creepy appreciating mood lately so if you have something that will fuck with my head, please tell me immediately. I will love you forever and will be your own personal tiny ball of rage and emotions.

Have a great week, everyone.

Carry on,

The Book Witch

 

 

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books

What I’m Reading Now & Updates

Hey, everyone!


It’s been hard to blog without a laptop. I’m able to borrow my fiance’s laptop when he’s home but most of the blogging hours that I have available are when he’s at work, so that’s kind of a bummer.


(I don’t have a washi tape problem, I swear)

I haven’t finished a book since I finished Fuck Love, not for lack of trying but more for lack of time and lots of chores to fill the empty spaces. I’m still working on Seven Black Diamonds and so far I’m not as impressed with it like I was with Wicked Lovely. There’s definitely trademark Melissa Marr signatures throughout the book but I think I lean more towards books that focus on different elemental courts than Unseelie and Seelie based stories. SBD is definitely not a bad novel but I think I prefer her other works – based on characters, plot, and setting. I have started listening to The Raven Boys and I’m starting to really love it. At first, I thought it was tediously slow and there wasn’t enough happening but I’m about halfway through and I’ve realized that the reason I fell in love with the Shiver series, by the same author, was because she spent so much time getting her readers to fall in love with the characters before she can let the plot take hold of our fragile hearts. I ordered some Lush products and I’m patiently waiting for the so I can take a couple 4 hour baths and get some quality reading time in.


In the picture above, my secret santa gift from one of my best friends, a book on my TBR, & my favorite items from the January OwlCrate. In the picture below, my puppy helping me unbox my first book subscription. 

In other news:

  • My custom Drarry candle (from Seven Hearts Wax Co) came in and it’s amazing. Long live my problematic ships. I think you could replace every ounce of my personality and some deep, dark abyss inside my soul would still be like “Uh, sorry. Harry and Draco belong together”
  • I made an appointment to get an addition to my quarter sleeve. It’s actually based on Greer and a quote from Fuck Love: “Let people feel the weight of who you are and let them deal with it”. I’m excited to keep adding to my Bookish Arm (I named it that, don’t judge me). I’m thinking after this one I’ll get something based on ToG but I haven’t decided what that will be yet.
  • I’m starting to watch YouTube tutorials and take notes about my camera. It is increasingly frustrating for me to pick up a new project and not understand any of it.
  • I started a reading group with my sister and one of our old friends. The book is called Young Wives Club and it’s based in the South; the three of us are either married or engaged so I decided to peer pressure them into starting our book club, The Young Wives, so that I can have humans in my general vicinity to discuss books with.
  • I found a group on Facebook (bless social media and all the ways that they help introverts decide how much interaction to get in a day) called Novel Book Exchange AND ITS LIKE A PEN PAL SYSTEM BUT WE SEND BOOKS AND FUN THINGS. I really like my pen pal, Amber, and I’m sending out her first box this week.
  • Jason ordered me the February Fairy Loot box! Oh my gosh, it was so cute. I told him a month ago that I was thinking about it since there’s an exclusive Manon/Dorian item that I’m dying for. He told me to go ahead and get it but we didn’t have a whole lot of money so I put it off. My in-laws had gotten me the January Owl Crate and I loved it. When he asked me if I had ordered it I said no, I didn’t want to because of finances and he ordered it for me! He’s the person who introduced me to audio-books but he’s never been into physical reading – so, it was such a compassionate, sweet gesture. I absolutely melted.
  • I finally found floral leggings. Syles for Less! I love floral leggings, I feel like they balance out my tattoos and the massive amounts of dark colors that I wear.

 

I’ll hopefully talk to you guys later this week! What is everyone reading? Any book recommendations, graphic novel recommendations, crime show recommendations?

Oh, and before I forget – I started an instagram solely for book related things. The handle is @_bookwitchblog so if you’d like to stay updated and in contact on social media, that’s where to find me!

Carry on,

The Book Witch


My outfits and makeup from yesterday – the top is during a friend’s birthday outing & bar hopping with my fiancé. I called it “hipster Manon”. Then there’s what I look like at work, complete with pigtails and my mean mug. 

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